Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 02-09-2010
The second Father 100 where dads or moms write 100 words or less on one word that Chalkboard Dad gives. You can read more about the rules here, but that is basically it. This weeks word is forgiveness and below is my entry as well as links to other entires:
The frustration is blinding and bubbling out of every pore as I sit here next to him. He is crying, head down with heavy sobs trying to get back in control. We share that job right now, trying to regain control. I don’t remember who lost it first but he is four and I am not. “I’m sorry sweet boy, daddy should not have yelled like that” “It’s OK daddy, I forgive you.” His crying stops, mine is just starting as we both finish up our time in the naughty chair.
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Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 02-09-2010
I was reading this funny post over at The Hubby Diaries where the writer was pointing out just how much her husband tunes her out unless she uses the words food, or sex. I know this is an accurate look at most men in relationships but why is that? I feel like my wife and I have come a long way in learning how to communicate with each other and it has more to do with just listening to her.
My wife is an external processer so when she is trying to work something out she talks about it, a lot. I’m much more of an internal processer, coming to a resolution on something internally before saying anything. When she starts to say what it is that is bothering her, or what she is thinking about I respond right away to those first few things she says and they really aren’t the issue. She needs to start talking to get to the heart of the issue, while I need space to come to it on my own. Learning how to communicate for us meant allowing the other the space they needed without stepping on it, and for me that was talking more, and her talking less.
I had to learn to talk to my wife without trying to resolve everything that she said, or respond to her every word. Communication meant really listening to her as she started to work out her thoughts and asking relevant questions to try and zero in on the crux of the issue. My wife had to learn to not ask as many questions and to give me space to talk without finishing my sentences or peppering me with too many questions. It is a dance, like so many other aspects of relationships and we each have different steps to teach. So much of learning to communicate is learning to be less selfish and more open to other and I think we have a long way to go but we are both really trying.
Too many times this picture of the husband tuning out the wife is the comedic norm. Wether it is the selfish husband who is too selfish to learn the steps, or the nagging wife that uses words like a blunt instrument there is room for growth on both sides. Men need to be better about really listening to their partners and responding. That is communication, not just listening but adding to the conversation.
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Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 30-08-2010
Many of you may know that along with this blog I also post over at Dad Revolution with other dad bloggers looking to change the face of fatherhood. Instead of the absent father or the dad that just shows up we want to encourage dads to engage more. We are trying to show that parenting isn’t just for the ladies. At least that is what we say we are doing anyway. On Sunday night Aaron over at Father Folk wrote an open letter to the dads over at Dad Revolution, a letter to me challenging us to do more. Please take five minutes and go over and read the letter before we continue….
You read it right? Good stuff huh. That letter went up late Sunday night, was taken down and then went back up this morning. You see Aaron took a little heat for posting that, it seems some still don’t get the spirit of the challenge. Aaron is not a fighter on the playground calling us out but rather a friend in the locker room spurring us on. That is how I interpret it anyway, and I think he’s right. Well I think he’s mostly right anyway. I disagree that engaged parenting from fathers is the new just showing up. I think we get clouded by the dads that are blogging about their kids and how they parent. It is a self selecting group but a small percentage of fathers. Most of the dad bloggers are engaged dads, otherwise they wouldn’t even be writing about parenting. They would have blogs on Bass fishing or model train collecting. There is still a large percentage of dads that are not even showing up at all. Those guys don’t even know their kids birthdays let alone blog about twenty toddlers that screamed when the clown came out.
I do agree that good enough is not good enough for me though. If I want to be associated with a revolution then I want to be a revolutionary. Being an engaged at home dad, leading by example is a good start. But I want more than that. I really do want to see the public face of fatherhood changed. I want to see fathers turn into dads in this country. I want to see those millions of kids without dads mentored and loved. I want to see the dads that are still there engage with there kids more, get on the floor and play with them. Get outside and run, or collect leaves, or build a fort, or lay on the grass and watch the clouds with their kids. I want to see a revolution with dads where one day the absent father is as rare as the at home father is today.
Now I don’t know how to do that exactly. I’m still working on translating dreams into action plans but highlighting groups like The Mentoring Project is one way of starting. Connecting with dads locally is another way to start and as more of these actions come up I will continue to write about them. I will also use my every other week post on Dad Revolution to call more to action. But I’m still going to tell the day to day stories of my family and my friends. I want to do the same thing with this blog that I try to do with my kids and that is be the person I want them to grow up to be. If I want them to eat their veggies, then I will. If I want dads to get on the floor, then I will and I will write about it.
Thank you Aaron for calling us to action not calling us out. I for one accept the challenge.
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Posted by Beautiful | Posted on 30-08-2010
This weekend James and the boys and I drove the hour long trip to James’ parents house so that James could help his mom and dad cater a wedding. James has banquet serving experience from his years in Santa Barbara giving him as many stories about movie stars at events as he does ideas for wine pairings. So his mom’s catering business benefits from his experience. He set up serving tables and ordered the cake lady around and created centerpieces for forgotten tables and arranged the food and joked with the guests and made sure the bride had a linen napkin to wipe her frosting-ed fingers with and in general made everyone believe that he is the most capable person you’ve ever met.
As they were setting up the wedding, the boys and I came over to the reception site and observed. I spread a blanket on the grass under a tree and watched James move around the tables and twinkly lights with purpose and confidence. The fact that James is capable is no news to me. He is infinitely better suited for running our house and raising our kids and makes it look very easy. And I sat on the blanket eating a lunch he had packed for me and the boys to eat, knowing it would be nearing lunch time while we were out. This fact had not crossed my brain until I had two clinging kids mobbing me with requests for food and James whipped out lunch.
The thing that surprised me a little while I sat there was that we are progressive in more ways than just the working mom, stay-at-home-dad genre. In the stereotypical roles, you have the bumbling dad who needs to be told what to do and the uber-capable mom who runs the ship. I don’t think either of us fits that role entirely but truth be told, I’m more like the bumbling dad than I am the uber-mom. I forget to bring diapers and I leave my wallet at home; I am an excellent secondary caregiver.
I think that James and I are good at recognizing ways to help each other and complement each other in really remarkable ways when it comes to raising children. But in much the same way as I’m sure many of you working parents occasionally realize, I realized that I could be doing more. Just because James is capable does not mean I am off the hook. Just because he always has his wallet and the boys’ blankets and knows where the keys are, does not mean I shouldn’t get better at doing those things as well. Because he has to be good at them to cover over my space-cadet-ism. I don’t want that to be all on him. And if we are breaking down stereotypes in our gender roles, it’s not progressive to just trade one role for another. We have to participate in a partnership. Some days I am good at keeping up on my end, others, not so much.
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Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 29-08-2010
Lots of great stuff this week from the new Father 100 where dads went through the exercise of writing 100 words or less on Love to the twitter gatherings of dad around the hastags Dads Talking and Power Of Dads. It seems that dads are the new Black this season and for good reason. Here is a bit of what I dug from some of the dads out there, again this isn’t a comprehensive list, just little of what I dug:
- You Shouldn’t Mosh past 40 - Seattle Dad A music and concert loving dad coming to terms with the younger music scene.
- Emasculation Accomplished – Beta Dad When a tenant of manliness runs up against curious toddlers something has to give.
- Deleted From His Brain - Foto Dad When dad is coach there is a lot to keep track of and sometimes you miss some things. When you have to discipline your kid after a freak out sometimes they listen and sometimes they don’t. Funny piece and great pictures.
- Tuesday 10 Questions with @CK_lunchbox - Tessasdad A convergence of two of the great dad bloggers out there in 10 questions. Chris from SAHD in Lansing interviews Ron from Clark Kent’s Lunchbox in a funny and informative post. Chris asks great questions tailored to his guest and it makes it entertaining.
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Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 29-08-2010
Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 28-08-2010
Originally Posted on Book Dads this past Wednesday, please check out this and all the other reviews by dads who love to read and to share that love of books with their kids.
My brother and I are a little more than two years apart and my boys are a little less than two years apart. Perfect ages for high quality sibling smackdown potential. Old enough to give the older brother a distinct advantage but not too old to make it completely unfair. There has to be something extra given to the first born and I know that even as my brother grew older and bigger there was still that psychological boundary of being the youngest that kept him from taking over. While reading Bro-Jitsu: The Martial Art of Sibling Smackdown by Daniel H Wilson, PhD I thought back to a lot of the battles my brother and I had growing up and the ones that are playing out now with my boys and will continue to play out for all of us.
The Sibling Smackdown knows no end date and like the introduction of Bro-Jitsu points out, in a world that has “become more safe, more evolved, and much more politically correct” children have not followed suit. Children and specifically siblings are as rough and mean as ever. Raising two boys and looking after various other kids I have seen this first hand and while we try to keep them safer they do a fairly good job of finding danger, or inflicting it on each other.
Young Bro-Jitsu
Daniel H. Wilson, also the author of How to Build a Robot Army, Where’s My Jetpack, and How to Survie a Robot Uprising, breaks down the 126 techniques for Family Domination into three categories: Offense, Defense, and Psychological in his funny, though often times violent book. There has been some talk in reviews about how violent this book is but as a brother and dad of two boys I have no problem with it. Neither of my kids can read and there fore have picked up no ideas from this book and yet they are already doing terrible things to each other. The book is meant to be humorous and those that complain about the violence miss that point. Bro-jitsu is a funny and nostalgic book with great illustrations and even better write ups on the various moves. I would recommend this book for anyone that fondly remembers the sibling battles they had growing up.
During a recent family vacation we sat around the table passing the book and telling stories of the battles we had, and the moves we used to dominate our family. There was talk of car rides where we all did the “Not Touching you” game of putting your hand as close to your sibling without actually touching them. Or the well placed kicks to the back of the heel when walking behind. It was a fun conversation and we picked up some good ideas from the pages of Bro-Jitsu. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I did and I would love to hear the ways in which you tortured your siblings in the comments below.
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Posted by Portlanddad | Posted on 27-08-2010
From Shape Magazine
I am now three days into a new workout plan. It’s going well really, there are new things to do each day and so far it has been easy to keep up. I’m only three days in so I am under no illusions that it will stay this great but the pictures help. Wait did I not tell you what plan I’m following? My bad, it’s every workout plan in the latest Shape Magazine. This month has Kristen bell on the cover, that Kristen Bell up there on the left. I feel like you looking for more explanation than this so let me start from the beginning.
For the last year I have been getting Shape magazine delivered. It has my name on it, not Beautiful’s and it has followed us from when we lived in Hawaii even though I sent in no change of address form. I have no idea how I got signed up but growing up this is the kind of thing my friends would do to mess with me. No one will own up to it, even though they have obviously renewed the subscription at least once. I have been moving the magazines right from the mailbox to the recycling bin but when the latest issue arrived this Wednesday it coincided with a resolution that morning to start working out more. I wan’t sure what I was going to do and then the magazine arrived with headlines like:
- 4-Week Slim Down
- 10 minute Emergency Fat blast
- Yoga Burn & Firm
- The 2 minute Ab Move
So here I was ready to start working out and there was this magazine with some great ideas on how to do it in 10 minute increments for 4 weeks. Now I know these workouts are meant for women, based on the pictures detailing how to do each of the exercises, but as the stay at home dad most people think I’m a woman anyway. So why not embrace that stereotype, get healthy, and put to use this great subscription. I will slim down one page at a time and hope that my fake subscription doesn’t run out before I get down to my fighting weight.
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This is the last month that we will be living at our amazing house with our great friends. The time has come to find our own spaces after two years together, and almost three years of living with another family for Beautiful and I. It will be sad to leave this house filled with many great memories and to move into a much smaller space. We had our childhood friends here last summer, Beautiful’s family this Christmas, four different exchange students, and many friends come to stay. It has been great having the space and the community support from our friends. We are ending well I think. Neither of us are to the point where we are frustrated with each other or tired of living together but we are coming to a natural end.
