When people ask me what I do I say that I am stay at home dad and then one of two things happen:
- They say “that is so great!”
- They say “So your out of work?”
Answer two comes along a lot more than answer one sadly and I usually have to do some explaining that I am not out of a job, my job is at home raising my boys. There is still a strong feeling that I am either lazy or in some way effeminate for being at home instead of out in the workforce bringing home the bacon. If only I were more manly or had more drive I would be out in the 9 to 5 world making enough money to send my kids to day care. We can understand a woman being at home, or even a woman wanting to be in the work force but we can’t understand a man being at home. Mostly I am OK with this. I understand that it is out of the ordinary and not what we are used to as far as family dynamics but it would seem to me that people that could understand a woman being at home as hard noble work would soon understand that the same is true for men. Truthfully it is easier working for a software company then it is cleaning up three kids after lunch but the lunchtime mess is more rewarding for me. There is a growing group of men that are making these same choices though and so I have a feeling that it will get easier but even if it doesn’t I’m OK. My self-worth, manhood, or identity is not tied up in people’s reactions to my career choice. I have a beautiful wife that is grateful for who I am, and two boys that love having their dad home.
Popularity: 1%
Hello.
But we don’t “understand a woman being at home.” Not anymore. Not for many years. It used to be that being a housewife/stay at home mom was the most common occupation. Now it’s dwindled to a very small percentage. Why do you think that is? Because there was a movement to “liberate” women from the confines of home, to make them more independent, more self-sufficient, more fulfilled, more capable of providing for themselves in case of divorce, or their husband’s death or disability. So as a result today we have more women in college than men. Why? Because they’ve been raised to believe it is essential to have your own career. That being the case, why is it wrong to expect the same of men? Should not men also be independent, self sufficient and able to provide for themselves? How many parents today are raising their daughters to be stay at home moms? Extremely few. So if we disapprove of stay at home moms and instead insist women have careers, why is it wrong to equally disapprove of stay at home dads and instead insist men have careers?
What would you say to a young woman in college who has her career planned out. Would you tell her that she should instead plan to be at home because her children will love having her home? I don’t see that happening. When I see people telling women that it’s wonderful to be at home and have no career, no income, be dependent on your husband, etc., then I will tell men the same thing. But as long as I see society telling women they must have careers, must be independent, must have their own income, then I will tell men exactly the same thing. Fair?
[Reply]
Haloran,
Thanks for the comment. I think there is a big difference between an understanding or acceptance to a situation and a mandate that it always be that way. When I write about people not often understanding why I would choose to be at home with my kids but they could understand a woman making that decision I think that is different. I also think that telling some one to be independent and using income as the only source of provision is short sighted and selfish. There is a maintaining of who I am that happens but not and independence. I choose to be married, to have kids, to in essence give up some independence and with that to frame decisions in light of that. For me being at home with my kids is the best job I can have but I would not presume to tell anyone what they should do. I would not tell a woman she needs to be at home, or tell a man that he does, but I will support and understand the decisions they make and that is basically what I would ask in return.
Thanks,
james
[Reply]
Boy did I get #2 a lot (still do). Texas is not know for being progressive in its thinking. Everything you said in your post, you did so way better than I did in an entire book. And you figured out what was important way faster than me too. My hat’s off to you.
[Reply]
Interestingly enough Amanda had people telling her how lucky she was to stay at hom with her children. People should have been telling you the same thing. You were very polite to Haloran after that person got a little off track of what you were actually saying. Their issue I think was not with you personally but with a “big” picture.
[Reply]