I was reading this funny post over at The Hubby Diaries where the writer was pointing out just how much her husband tunes her out unless she uses the words food, or sex. I know this is an accurate look at most men in relationships but why is that? I feel like my wife and I have come a long way in learning how to communicate with each other and it has more to do with just listening to her.
My wife is an external processer so when she is trying to work something out she talks about it, a lot. I’m much more of an internal processer, coming to a resolution on something internally before saying anything. When she starts to say what it is that is bothering her, or what she is thinking about I respond right away to those first few things she says and they really aren’t the issue. She needs to start talking to get to the heart of the issue, while I need space to come to it on my own. Learning how to communicate for us meant allowing the other the space they needed without stepping on it, and for me that was talking more, and her talking less.
I had to learn to talk to my wife without trying to resolve everything that she said, or respond to her every word. Communication meant really listening to her as she started to work out her thoughts and asking relevant questions to try and zero in on the crux of the issue. My wife had to learn to not ask as many questions and to give me space to talk without finishing my sentences or peppering me with too many questions. It is a dance, like so many other aspects of relationships and we each have different steps to teach. So much of learning to communicate is learning to be less selfish and more open to other and I think we have a long way to go but we are both really trying.
Too many times this picture of the husband tuning out the wife is the comedic norm. Wether it is the selfish husband who is too selfish to learn the steps, or the nagging wife that uses words like a blunt instrument there is room for growth on both sides. Men need to be better about really listening to their partners and responding. That is communication, not just listening but adding to the conversation.
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We have the same issue. She can ask me a questions and while I am pouring over the answer in my mind, she gets upset because i didn’t give her an immediate “hmmm.. Let me think about it” she thinks I’m just ignoring her.
And when I do, I may mumble to myself while trying to figure out whatever needed to be resolved or event addressed, she’ll ask “what was that?” and I say something which is completely random to her but relevant to me and she gets even more confused.
I have started answering her right away when she asks something. usually it’s just “okay, let me think”.
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Portlanddad Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:54 am
Yeah I do the same thing letting her know that I heard her and that I am thinking about it. I also needed to get her to understand how I processed things so that she was able to be more patient with the delay.
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great post!
andygirl´s last [type] ..Indubitably Foul
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Portlanddad Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Thank you Ma’am
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