I live in a house of turdburglars

It is cliche to say that things change when you have kids but it is also very true. You have less time to your self, more responsibility, less friends, more grape jelly hand print stains on the back of your t-shirts and so on and so on. I knew getting into this gig that things were changing but there are some things that still caught me off guard. One of them is that I would never get the chance to go to the bathroom by myself, undisturbed, ever again. Since getting married there was some foreshadowing but nothing like once the kids started walking. Since then I don’t think I have had any peaceful moment in the bathroom.

Early on in our marriage Beautiful has tried to make me feel bad about my use of the bathroom. To hear her tell it I choose the wrong times to go and I spend way too much time in there once I’m in. I have found it best to try and hide my bathroom time from my wife by only going while she is at work. This seems to work well but she will some how still come home for lunch or some other reason and roll her eyes at me with that “of course you’re in the bathroom” look she has. It is uncanny this second sense she has for choosing just the right time to come home.

Even when she doesn’t come home the boys feel like they need to supervise any thing that happens in the bathroom. They can be playing just fine with their trucks on the train table and as soon as they hear that bathroom door shut they come running. They bang on the door and ask what I’m doing in there immediately. I keep coming up with smart ass ways of answering their questions that they obviously know the answer to: “I’m curing cancer, either get a lab coat on or get out of here” “I’m building a bridge but the suspension lines are missing, go check the mail box” “I’m composing a symphony, do you have an oboe?” They are little turdburglers ruining my me time.

So to any new parent out there you may know that things are going to change, but one big thing that will change is your ability to go to the bathroom by yourself. Now you know.

  7 comments for “I live in a house of turdburglars

  1. 10/08/2010 at 9:10 am

    Two things about this:

    1. I can really empathize with your wife, but thoroughly enjoyed the retelling from dad’s point of view.
    2. Turdburglars might be the funniest and most apropos word I have heard all week.
    Booyah’s Momma´s last blog post ..Confessions of a former sports widow

  2. 10/08/2010 at 10:38 am

    I feel your pain. I really do – we have one bathroom for two adults and three kids (one of which is an almost 10-year-old girl).
    Daniel´s last blog post ..I Love This Time of Year

  3. 10/08/2010 at 8:32 pm

    Cracked me up. Best post title I have seen in quite some time.
    Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog post ..Wordless Wednesday- You Know You Want to Take it

  4. 10/08/2010 at 9:39 pm

    Yeah, great title. Caught wind of this blog on Twitter!

  5. 10/09/2010 at 1:33 pm

    Yes! Why is this in none of the parenting books? I certainly would have been grateful to know this going in…it’s now going on three years w/o a potty break of my own.
    Jackie´s last blog post ..on the move

  6. 11/05/2010 at 8:11 am

    I hate to tell you–it never ends–I have a 7 and a 9 year old. No peace, ever. They will walk right in. There is something about a door closed that just triggers something in children.
    But then again, I have had an adult friend try it recently too–which blew my mind–other people’s kids…and at an age when you would think hey she should know better…but no…some mothers seem to assume since you’re a parent you should expect another parent to walk in on you since their kid does it to them!!! Sheesh.
    Although…my mother did warn me…I give her credit–I thought she was making it up–or maybe I thought it was a phase that as soon as the kid was no longer a toddler I was safe…no such luck though…
    Tabitha the KnittingJourneyman´s last blog post ..Favorite Authors Anyone

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