It is cliche to say that things change when you have kids but it is also very true. You have less time to your self, more responsibility, less friends, more grape jelly hand print stains on the back of your t-shirts and so on and so on. I knew getting into this gig that things were changing but there are some things that still caught me off guard. One of them is that I would never get the chance to go to the bathroom by myself, undisturbed, ever again. Since getting married there was some foreshadowing but nothing like once the kids started walking. Since then I don’t think I have had any peaceful moment in the bathroom.
Early on in our marriage Beautiful has tried to make me feel bad about my use of the bathroom. To hear her tell it I choose the wrong times to go and I spend way too much time in there once I’m in. I have found it best to try and hide my bathroom time from my wife by only going while she is at work. This seems to work well but she will some how still come home for lunch or some other reason and roll her eyes at me with that “of course you’re in the bathroom” look she has. It is uncanny this second sense she has for choosing just the right time to come home.
Even when she doesn’t come home the boys feel like they need to supervise any thing that happens in the bathroom. They can be playing just fine with their trucks on the train table and as soon as they hear that bathroom door shut they come running. They bang on the door and ask what I’m doing in there immediately. I keep coming up with smart ass ways of answering their questions that they obviously know the answer to: “I’m curing cancer, either get a lab coat on or get out of here” “I’m building a bridge but the suspension lines are missing, go check the mail box” “I’m composing a symphony, do you have an oboe?” They are little turdburglers ruining my me time.
So to any new parent out there you may know that things are going to change, but one big thing that will change is your ability to go to the bathroom by yourself. Now you know.