Category Archives: Masculinity

Getting clean in a manly way

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After a few toy offers and a smattering of books there was finally an offer for something that I could I try myself and not hand over to the boys for their take. Dove Men+Care sent me some manly cleaning products to try out and write about and while I have enjoyed the manly but understated scent and softer skin, it is really Beautiful that has benefited the most from this trial. With me taking the time to try out the lathering body and face wash I have emerged from the bathroom smelling and feeling much better then I had been previously. I was clean but smelled like her hair wash or worse, like the boys bubblegum scented bubble bath. I’m just not a big bathroom routine type of guy, choosing the two minute shower over the exfoliating body wash. After about a month of using the Dove Men+Care products I’m coming around. I like the feel and look of my skin, the subtle scent of the deodorant that lasts a good day or two, and really like the extra attention I get from Beautiful.

With the Dove Men+Care products I was also sent some tips that I think are good to know wether you are the metro-sexual man with elaborate routines, or the dirty Portland wannabe hipster stay at home dad:

Key insight from Dr. Benabio: With a plethora of new men’s products on the market, it’s important to be informed.

  1. Lather, rinse, simplify! Since some men don’t like using a loofah in the shower, it’s important to simplify the body washing process with a product that lathers easily, like Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash. The products are formulated using ultra-light micromoisture technology, a unique gel technology that activates on skin during lather to guard against discomfort.
  2. It’s ok to drop the soap. Guys often rely on a generic bar of soap (or worse, shampoo), to wash their body. These products are too harsh and strip essential oils from skin. Also, the dryness caused by soap is cumulative – the more you use it, the worse it becomes. Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash is clinically proven to fight skin dryness with no irritation or tightness.
  3. Don’t forget your feet. Feet are the most ignored body part in the shower, which can lead to Athlete’s Foot or staph. Prevention can be as easy as rubbing hand sanitizer on feet (especially before hitting a shower at your gym), which will kill off infections. (It’s important to rub in sanitizer for at least sixty seconds or until all the alcohol has fully evaporated for it to really work!)
  4. Leg sensitivity. The skin on your legs is particularly prone to eczema, winter dermatitis, and other forms of skin irritation so when you’re in the shower, use products like Dove Men+Care Sensitive Clean Body and Face Wash with a pH neutral formula that guarantees a gentle, comforting clean for men prone to skin irritations.
  5. It’s not the socks! Men often attribute dry skin on their feet to their socks. Since feet skin is sensitive and prone to dryness, it’s important to use a personal wash that thoroughly cleanses skin while fighting dryness, like Dove Men+Care Body and Face Bar, which contains Dove’s signature ¼ moisturizing cream.
  6. Choose a deodorant like you choose a mate. About half of men experience some form of underarm discomfort, which is usually the result of a harsh deodorant. It’s best to switch to deodorants that are non-irritating and/or hypoallergenic – try out a few different brands until you find one that works best with your skin. Dove Men+Care antiperspirants and deodorants, for example, are specifically formulated with non-irritating and hydrating ingredients to help combat dryness. (And never treat with rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide to “disinfect” the trouble spots – the problem is almost never an infection, it’s usually a contact irritation.)
  7. Different seasons, different skincare needs. Your skin has alternating requirements, based on the season. Over the summer, it’s important to apply sunscreen to protect skin from the harsh summer sun, while in the winter, dryness becomes the big issue so be sure to moisturize often.
  8. Stealing from your wife (or girlfriend) is wrong. Many guys use their wife/girlfriend’s products because they are readily available, when products designed specifically for men are often less greasy and don’t contain fragrance. Dove Men+Care offers a technologically superior product line to provide solutions to men’s specific skincare needs. The personal wash is for men who prefer a mild, unscented body and face wash, and the deodorant/antiperspirants fight irritation and provide protection and underarm care specific to men’s needs.
  9. Locker room care. After sweating and getting tossed around on the field, sports equipment like football helmets will get dirty, which can lead to folliculitis or staph infections. To avoid infection, equipment should be cleaned with rubbing alcohol, a locker staple. And to minimize the items in your gym bag, it’s helpful to use products that serve multiple purposes, like Dove Men+Care Body and Face Wash, the #1 dermatologist recommended brand.
  10. The absolute essentials. Most men don’t want to spend significant time perfecting their grooming routine; these are the essential products for every guy, in order of importance – antiperspirant/deodorant, shampoo, body wash. You need a moisturizer in the winter, and a sunscreen in the summer. (And all can be found at the local drug store.)

I wrote this review while participating in a campaign by Dove Men+Care and received promotional products to test and write about.

Popularity: 8%

Less Testosterone, more manly

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Stay at home dads are already behind the eight ball with some folks who think they are less manly then working dads, but now there is research that shows this is actually true. Well less manly is a bit of a meaningless, undefinable statement but it turns out that once men become fathers there is a drop in testosterone that comes with the little bundle of joy. The drop is more pronounced in men that are the primary caregivers, in other words Stay at home dads. In a New York Times article on this study Peter Ellison, a professor of human evolutionary biology at Harvard who was not involved in the study hoped that this type of research would help fathers “realize that we’re meant to be active fathers and participate in the care of our offspring.” The lose of testosterone has a negative connotation in our society because it is thought of as making us wimpy or less desirable in some way but in truth it helps men become more in tune with the needs of their children. The study suggests that men become more committed to their families through hormonal changes and that those changes underscore that mothers are meant to have child care help.

So while this study looks like another blow to the manliness of at home dads, there is really another story to be told. One that most families with a stay at home dad already know, and that is that women aren’t the only ones that biologically adapt to take care of children. Children change our lives, our decision making, and our worries but also change us at a cellular level making us better care givers. What attractiveness is lost with the lowering of testosterone is more than made up for in watching us play and take care of the kids. There is nothing sexier than a man that can change a diaper, make a toddler lunch, and play silly games with his kids.

Popularity: 9%

The perks of the job are not the job itself

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Starting next week we officially have a kid in public school. Not only that, segundo starts preschool next week as well so two days a week from 9 AM to 11:30 AM I will not be responsible for any kids. That time off will be great but it starts me thinking about my value if I don’t have a kid to look after. I will have plenty to do but now, for this short period of time, it won’t be under the banner of also looking after the boys. I think the real problem I have with this is the expectation that Beautiful will now have for me to get more things done. I can’t say “I just didn’t have any time with the boys today” now that we both know I have at least 5 hours a week. I will have to find a way to work smarter not harder, so I can best utilize the time for myself, while still meeting the expectation of the warden.

I joke about Beautiful and her expectations but really she will admit that she is kind of terrible. She says things to me that no man would ever get away with saying to a stay at home mom. The other day when she came for lunch I was on the computer and she got frustrated, saying that when she sees me on the computer right when she gets home she just assumes thats all I’m doing all day, sitting around ignoring the kids. No this might be true some days but it was not true that day, and the idea that what I am doing in one moment representing my whole day is ludicrous. The idea that a man coming home and seeing his wife sitting on the couch, and then getting frustrated that she just sits on her ass all day starts to boil people’s blood. But this is essentially what my wife does to me every couple of weeks. She does immediately feel bad about it so it’s hard to get too upset.

Even when we have been the one at home and know the frustrations and chaos of the day we still picture hours of free time and a life of ease. Part of that is a short memory and part of that is knowing that its true at times. There are parts of the day when you don’t have anything going on, no toy dispute to mediate or counting game to play. There are times when the boys are playing together or taking a nap and I have hours of free time to do what I want. Well not what I want, I can’t leave and head to the local pub to catch a soccer game being played somewhere around the globe, but I can watch an illegal stream of that game on the couch while catching up on my reader. A good portion of my job is being available and in that availability there is some freedom to explore the space. The problem is those windows open at different times and can never be counted on. It is one of the perks of my job, the way free books while working at Wiley or cruises to Mexico when working at Softshare were perks. The perks are not the job itself so I get frustrated when it’s assumed that I sit around all day.

So I will find productive ways to fill this new found free time, but I will also take advantage of the perks of having two kids in school for a couple hours. I will take the long coffee break after dropping Segundo at preschool and then make sure that I get that compost pile sorted while I have the time. I will not feel bad for taking advantage of the benefits of being a stay at home dad, because I know there is a lot of hard work being done as well.

Popularity: 8%

After the acceptance, the conversations

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We have Wednesday Playgroups at the playground for the pre-school and now that I am on the board and the incoming Junior Class Rep it is now my job to engage parents in conversation even though some of them still assume I’m there to kidnap their kids. I’m getting better at, the conversation stuff. I find school choice to be a good jumping off point and then I wait to see where they are in the process. Having been through that, changed our minds two or three times, and settled on our imperfect neighborhood school I feel like a some things to add to that conversation. I know that the moms are getting a little more comfortable with me when they are OK with me pushing their kids on the swing. Since Segundo is addicted to swinging like some X-game athlete all hopped up on Mountain Dew and uppers, the other kids want me to underdog them and pretend to punch them in the face as they go by. I can work a 3-5 year old room like Dean Martin at The Sands.

I think I’m OK at the conversations but Beautiful would kill in this environment. She can immediately connect and engage with people on a level I need months, if ever, to get to. When we were at the graduation BBQ in the park I had multiple moms coming up to me to tell me how great my wife is, all of them I’m sure wondering what she was doing with me. I’m learning the dance of conversation from her and fumbling through the steps. I am clunky and awkward at times but the practice is paying off and I can see choreography coming together. The play dates give me plenty of practice time and soon the acceptance of the swings will outnumber the moms creeped out at a dude at the playground in middle of the day.

Popularity: 4%

Portland Reads: The Other Wes Moore

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As parents we talk about the importance of reading to kids and set up all sorts of metrics of how much, when, and what books but another part of the equation is you reading as well. While it is hugely important that we read to kids, they will do what we do, so it is important that we read as well. With all the blogs and RSS feeds we collect in our Readers we are consuming a ton of words but nothing beats holding that book in your hands on a quiet night while the family gathers together their respective reading material and reads. I know this easy to say as some one who loves books and even likes to read. The love of books comes first and the reading of them second. I was wandering around a bookstore last night and just running my fingers over the jackets and pages of the books on the shelves like they were intricate fabrics that needed to be felt to experienced fully.

The library has a community reading project that starts with the question “What if everybody read the same book?” The idea is that we would talk about issues brought up by the book as well as celebrating the power of books to draw us together. The program is called everybody reads and the book that we are reading in Portland is called The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore. The Other Wes Moore is the story of two men from Baltimore with the same name and similar backgrounds that grew up to be very different men. The author is a Rhodes Scholar and Investment banker who became intrigued by a story on the news searching for a man named Wes Moore who was wanted for a jewelry store robbery gone wrong. The other Wes Moore grew up on the same streets with no father and ended up in prison serving a life sentence.

As a huge fan of the TV show The Wire I was drawn to this story of corner boys from West Baltimore that this book told. The scenes were recognizable and familiar but the magnitude seemed some how bigger. The book shows scenes from the two men’s life from eight different years. In the first few chapters they seem to mirror each other, both losing their fathers, both getting into trouble on the streets, and both struggling in school. There is a change where one life keeps getting worse and one changes dramatically but the reasons why are not as clear and easily defined. The main question the Author gets is what exactly was the difference in their lives that lead them down these two different paths and it is not a question easily answered.

I look forward to going to a book discussion here in Portland to talk about the issues brought up by this book and would recommend this book especially to fathers and fans of The Wire. The absent father plays a huge role in both boys lives and that touches on a subject I want to do more to address.

Popularity: 14%

Communication is more than just listening well

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I was reading this funny post over at The Hubby Diaries where the writer was pointing out just how much her husband tunes her out unless she uses the words food, or sex. I know this is an accurate look at most men in relationships but why is that? I feel like my wife and I have come a long way in learning how to communicate with each other and it has more to do with just listening to her.

My wife is an external processer so when she is trying to work something out she talks about it, a lot. I’m much more of an internal processer, coming to a resolution on something internally before saying anything. When she starts to say what it is that is bothering her, or what she is thinking about I respond right away to those first few things she says and they really aren’t the issue. She needs to start talking to get to the heart of the issue, while I need space to come to it on my own. Learning how to communicate for us meant allowing the other the space they needed without stepping on it, and for me that was talking more, and her talking less.

I had to learn to talk to my wife without trying to resolve everything that she said, or respond to her every word. Communication meant really listening to her as she started to work out her thoughts and asking relevant questions to try and zero in on the crux of the issue. My wife had to learn to not ask as many questions and to give me space to talk without finishing my sentences or peppering me with too many questions. It is a dance, like so many other aspects of relationships and we each have different steps to teach. So much of learning to communicate is learning to be less selfish and more open to other and I think we have a long way to go but we are both really trying.

Too many times this picture of the husband tuning out the wife is the comedic norm. Wether it is the selfish husband who is too selfish to learn the steps, or the nagging wife that uses words like a blunt instrument there is room for growth on both sides. Men need to be better about really listening to their partners and responding. That is communication, not just listening but adding to the conversation.

Popularity: 5%

How do you respond when challenged?

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Many of you may know that along with this blog I also post over at Dad Revolution with other dad bloggers looking to change the face of fatherhood. Instead of the absent father or the dad that just shows up we want to encourage dads to engage more. We are trying to show that parenting isn’t just for the ladies. At least that is what we say we are doing anyway. On Sunday night Aaron over at Father Folk wrote an open letter to the dads over at Dad Revolution, a letter to me challenging us to do more. Please take five minutes and go over and read the letter before we continue….

You read it right? Good stuff huh. That letter went up late Sunday night, was taken down and then went back up this morning. You see Aaron took a little heat for posting that, it seems some still don’t get the spirit of the challenge. Aaron is not a fighter on the playground calling us out but rather a friend in the locker room spurring us on. That is how I interpret it anyway, and I think he’s right. Well I think he’s mostly right anyway. I disagree that engaged parenting from fathers is the new just showing up. I think we get clouded by the dads that are blogging about their kids and how they parent. It is a self selecting group but a small percentage of fathers. Most of the dad bloggers are engaged dads, otherwise they wouldn’t even be writing about parenting. They would have blogs on Bass fishing or model train collecting. There is still a large percentage of dads that are not even showing up at all. Those guys don’t even know their kids birthdays let alone blog about twenty toddlers that screamed when the clown came out.

I do agree that good enough is not good enough for me though. If I want to be associated with a revolution then I want to be a revolutionary. Being an engaged at home dad, leading by example is a good start. But I want more than that. I really do want to see the public face of fatherhood changed. I want to see fathers turn into dads in this country. I want to see those millions of kids without dads mentored and loved. I want to see the dads that are still there engage with there kids more, get on the floor and play with them. Get outside and run, or collect leaves, or build a fort, or lay on the grass and watch the clouds with their kids. I want to see a revolution with dads where one day the absent father is as rare as the at home father is today.

Now I don’t know how to do that exactly. I’m still working on translating dreams into action plans but highlighting groups like The Mentoring Project is one way of starting. Connecting with dads locally is another way to start and as more of these actions come up I will continue to write about them. I will also use my every other week post on Dad Revolution to call more to action. But I’m still going to tell the day to day stories of my family and my friends. I want to do the same thing with this blog that I try to do with my kids and that is be the person I want them to grow up to be. If I want them to eat their veggies, then I will. If I want dads to get on the floor, then I will and I will write about it.

Thank you Aaron for calling us to action not calling us out. I for one accept the challenge.

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I’m taking the Kristen Bell Challenge!

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From Shape Magazine

I am now three days into a new workout plan. It’s going well really, there are new things to do each day and so far it has been easy to keep up. I’m only three days in so I am under no illusions that it will stay this great but the pictures help. Wait did I not tell you what plan I’m following? My bad, it’s every workout plan in the latest Shape Magazine. This month has Kristen bell on the cover, that Kristen Bell up there on the left. I feel like you looking for more explanation than this so let me start from the beginning.

For the last year I have been getting Shape magazine delivered. It has my name on it, not Beautiful’s and it has followed us from when we lived in Hawaii even though I sent in no change of address form. I have no idea how I got signed up but growing up this is the kind of thing my friends would do to mess with me. No one will own up to it, even though they have obviously renewed the subscription at least once. I have been moving the magazines right from the mailbox to the recycling bin but when the latest issue arrived this Wednesday it coincided with a resolution that morning to start working out more. I wan’t sure what I was going to do and then the magazine arrived with headlines like:

  • 4-Week Slim Down
  • 10 minute Emergency Fat blast
  • Yoga Burn & Firm
  • The 2 minute Ab Move

So here I was ready to start working out and there was this magazine with some great ideas on how to do it in 10 minute increments for 4 weeks. Now I know these workouts are meant for women, based on the pictures detailing how to do each of the exercises, but as the stay at home dad most people think I’m a woman anyway. So why not embrace that stereotype, get healthy, and put to use this great subscription. I will slim down one page at a time and hope that my fake subscription doesn’t run out before I get down to my fighting weight.

Popularity: 6%

The Father 100

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When the boys climb into bed with us just after dawn I feel it. I may be a little annoyed at the early hour and the end of sanctuary but when they snuggle up on the pillow and fill the space between us my protests melt away. It is those moments when I most acutely aware of how lucky, blessed, and fulfilled I am. I am aware of what it means to love and be loved by these little ones and though it will be a while before the alarm stirs us to action I am happy right here.

This is for the Father 100 project over at Chalkboard Dad. The rules are listed below:

You will have between now and midnight on Friday to write a one hundred word post inspired by that word. Entries can be less than one hundred words, but they cannot be more. Posts must focus on some aspect of parenting. Even though I call this the Father 100, moms are encouraged to join us!

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Guest Post: Any Male Can be a Father, It Takes a Man to be a Dad

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Todays guest post is brought to you by Tiffany over at Mom-Nom. She is the mother of two and has a great blog for a mommy blogger. You shouldn’t follow her on Twitter but should go to her blog and read her funny posts and sign up for the many amazing give aways she hosts from some crafty folks. I flatly deny any story she may or may not tell about an alleged follower competition but just to be safe don’t follow her, follow me instead. If she has any cool give aways or funny posts I will tell you about them I promise. With out any further ado:


You see, James & I have a unique story. HE was having his own personal Twitter Follower’s contest with ME, WITHOUT TELLING ME ABOUT IT. So, you can imagine my surprise when he actually told me. about a contest. he’d been having for weeks. with me.

And, you can see why I was a little shocked when I ventured over to his blog and discovered how great it is. I mean, who has private competitions with someone that doesn’t even know their competing and still rocks? This dood ==> James. That’s who.

And honestly, here I am rather intimidated. I mean…I’ve never written on a dood’s website before. You guys take it easy on me okay? I’m all girly & fragile & shit.

(For the record, I won the contest.)
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At 20 years old I had the daunting task of finding someone who was willing to be a step-father.  I took me four years.

You see, I wasn’t just looking for an every-other-weekend/three nights a week step-father, but a full-time dad.

I would describe this task as stressful & aging. And…well, mostly aging.

I liked to tell myself I was “hand-picking” someone. You know, to make me feel better about the situation an all. While this situation isn’t quite so unique now-a-days it is still very eye-opening and very stressful for a single mom.

I believe most women marry the man of their dreams – imagining the father he will be. I also believe most of them are living in a fairy-tale land, that doesn’t exist, when they picture life after kids.  In my opinion, if you don’t have kids, the entire thought of having them IS a fairy-tale.

On the otherhand, I had the crystal ball in my hands… I could see into the future, before I married him. I could witness his evolution as he grew more accustomed to having a child around. I could watch as he fell in love & I like to think that I helped shape his evolution as a father.

You know, cause I like taking credit for good stuff.

I even had a list. I’m crazy like that.

He has to be:

  • Christian (preferably Catholic) & dedicated to raising his family in faith
  • Patient, I can’t handle a screamer. Two screamers give babies headaches.
  • Athletic (we like sports, what?)
  • Educated
  • Someone who can cook & clean. Not someone who would raise my son to think of housework as a “woman’s work”
  • But still handy, cause I need someone to fix stuff. Ya know? When I break stuff. From screaming. (Can you say hypocrite?)

But really, all I wanted was a man that could show my son true, unconditional love. I wanted him to witnes a man who loved his family, his children, his wife & his life completely.

Do I feel like I had an edge on other women because of this all-knowing eye? Yes. I do, actually. The first six months – or even the first year – of having a child as a married couple is a strange relationship-altering time. Yes, most couples make it but there are usually some bangs and bruises along the way. For the most part, we got to skip this. You see, I was what I call a “ready-made” family. A package deal. A take it or leave it situation…I could keep going. But, I’ll spare you.

You see, I don’t tell him enough. And, he doesn’t read my guest posts, so he may never know…but he saved us from anymore broken hearts, unreturned phone calls, uncomfortable first dates, lonely nights at home & awkward school gatherings.

I like to think I made the most of my situation. I took what life handed me (lemons, lets say) and I made delicious frozen lemondate margahitas.

Delish.

You dad’s are pretty rad doods. Who come in all shapes, styles and packages. And I, for one, can’t imagine life without you…now.

Popularity: 11%