Tag Archives: communication

The Curious Case Of The BB Gun At Christmas

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Surveying all the colorful packages under and around the tree one long rectangular package caught my eye. To Primo, From Santa read the tag and as I reached for the present that “Oh Shit” feeling came over me. This was the BB Gun that Papa and Grandma asked if they could get for Primo, the one I said yes to without talking to Beautiful, and the one he would open in a few minutes. I hurried to Beautiful and pulled her a side to tell her about the gun and to apologize for being an idiot.

The problem wasn’t the gun per se. While we aren’t much of a gun family, we don’t have one and likely never will, we aren’t militantly anti guns either. Just last month we enjoyed some Shepard’s pie made with the Venison from a Deer Papa shot with his hunting rifle and I look forward to the day that my boys and I join Papa on a hunting trip. A closer connection to the food we eat and the realities of where it comes from is important to us and hunting plays a big part. No the problem was my unilateral decision making on whether it was OK for our five-year old to have his first gun.

When you are alone with the kids there are any number of decisions to be made from things as small as what’s for lunch, to whether or not the boys can ride their bikes across the street with the neighbor girl. These decisions don’t need to be discussed with someone else so I get in the habit of being the decider. Along comes one of those bigger decisions and I just answer on impulse without talking to Beautiful. I think about how she would respond and make informed decisions but I don’t always include her in the discussion and answer. But “don’t always” I really mean “almost never”. There has been a time or two when made the right call and said “Let me talk to Beautiful about that first” but that is not a natural response for me.

When I cornered Beautiful to tell her about the gun she was OK with it as well, but teased me the rest of the day. She asked if there were any other big decisions I had made for the family that she should know about. It was playful and in good fun but I knew that I was wrong in not talking to her first before WE made a decision. It’s that “WE” part that is tough for me sometimes and it comes across as me not valuing my wife. When I make these unilateral decisions I am communicating that her thoughts, opinions, ideas, aren’t important and that is far from true. I told her how sorry I was and she could see I really was even if others there didn’t see what the big deal was. It was only a BB gun after all. But it wasn’t the gun, it was the relationship and the communication. Isn’t that always the case.

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Communication is more than just listening well

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I was reading this funny post over at The Hubby Diaries where the writer was pointing out just how much her husband tunes her out unless she uses the words food, or sex. I know this is an accurate look at most men in relationships but why is that? I feel like my wife and I have come a long way in learning how to communicate with each other and it has more to do with just listening to her.

My wife is an external processer so when she is trying to work something out she talks about it, a lot. I’m much more of an internal processer, coming to a resolution on something internally before saying anything. When she starts to say what it is that is bothering her, or what she is thinking about I respond right away to those first few things she says and they really aren’t the issue. She needs to start talking to get to the heart of the issue, while I need space to come to it on my own. Learning how to communicate for us meant allowing the other the space they needed without stepping on it, and for me that was talking more, and her talking less.

I had to learn to talk to my wife without trying to resolve everything that she said, or respond to her every word. Communication meant really listening to her as she started to work out her thoughts and asking relevant questions to try and zero in on the crux of the issue. My wife had to learn to not ask as many questions and to give me space to talk without finishing my sentences or peppering me with too many questions. It is a dance, like so many other aspects of relationships and we each have different steps to teach. So much of learning to communicate is learning to be less selfish and more open to other and I think we have a long way to go but we are both really trying.

Too many times this picture of the husband tuning out the wife is the comedic norm. Wether it is the selfish husband who is too selfish to learn the steps, or the nagging wife that uses words like a blunt instrument there is room for growth on both sides. Men need to be better about really listening to their partners and responding. That is communication, not just listening but adding to the conversation.

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Management training

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One of the really great things about my new job is my new manager. He is a sixties-ish Wisconsin native who has enough characteristics similar to my dad to make me already believe after two weeks of work that he will be great to work for. But even beyond his mid-western fatherly traits, he seems to genuinely be a good manager. Everyone who works for him credits his constancy and calm to making it through a really volatile time in the company’s history. And other departments, when I introduce myself say in a sort of longing way, “oh you get to work with Jim, Jim is great.”

And since I have not had the good fortune to work for many good managers, I am already watching him carefully, both to know how best to work for him and for my own sense of how I might be a good manager in the future. So far, what I’ve come up with is this: good management looks a lot like good parenting. The context and the stakes are obviously quite different but I can recognize key strengths that make or break both. For instance, Jim will drop everything he is doing to have a good conversation. On the parenting front, conversations sprout up in all sorts of environments where they might not be convenient–when you are on the way out the door, or mopping the floors or reading an awfully good magazine article–but stopping to acknowledge the question and respond is key to good communication. Jim also moves around a lot, sits in other people’s offices or when he has a question he comes over and asks, not through e-mail or phone call or yelled from his chair but physically moves to you. This is also key to kids, moving to their level and coming to them instead of always demanding they come scampering to you. He also trains an employee to do something and then has them do it, right there, right away with every confidence that they will do it. Every kid needs that. Patient instruction and then encouragement and opportunity to learn themselves.

There are lots of other ways management and parenting reflect on one another and I’m sure I am not the first to notice these ties. But it does have me thinking that I might not be ready for management any time soon. I am not particularly good at any of those things with my kids–addressing their questions patiently, moving to their level and interacting, showing and then letting them have independence–so I might be a ways off managing adults who need from me these same traits. I guess for now, I’ll keep working on listening and responding to the four year old’s bazillion questions and letting the two year old run full tilt down the hill to the park. I’m working on being a better parent and maybe in the process picking up some great management training.

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