Tag Archives: fatherhood

The Other F Word

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When Punk Rockers have kids something has to give, or does it. In the new Documentary from Rare Birds Films called The Other F Word Writer and Director Andrea Blaugrund Nevins digs into fatherhood through the eyes of a bunch of guys whose fathers were largely not there. The documentary is touching and funny and gives a great look at what fatherhood does to change us in so many ways while challenging us to be more. Reflecting on their own childhood a number of the musicians vow to be more than their fathers were and finding the balance between their old life, and this new family. Check out the preview below and find a theatre near you to watch this great movie.

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Portland Reads: The Other Wes Moore

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As parents we talk about the importance of reading to kids and set up all sorts of metrics of how much, when, and what books but another part of the equation is you reading as well. While it is hugely important that we read to kids, they will do what we do, so it is important that we read as well. With all the blogs and RSS feeds we collect in our Readers we are consuming a ton of words but nothing beats holding that book in your hands on a quiet night while the family gathers together their respective reading material and reads. I know this easy to say as some one who loves books and even likes to read. The love of books comes first and the reading of them second. I was wandering around a bookstore last night and just running my fingers over the jackets and pages of the books on the shelves like they were intricate fabrics that needed to be felt to experienced fully.

The library has a community reading project that starts with the question “What if everybody read the same book?” The idea is that we would talk about issues brought up by the book as well as celebrating the power of books to draw us together. The program is called everybody reads and the book that we are reading in Portland is called The Other Wes Moore by Wes Moore. The Other Wes Moore is the story of two men from Baltimore with the same name and similar backgrounds that grew up to be very different men. The author is a Rhodes Scholar and Investment banker who became intrigued by a story on the news searching for a man named Wes Moore who was wanted for a jewelry store robbery gone wrong. The other Wes Moore grew up on the same streets with no father and ended up in prison serving a life sentence.

As a huge fan of the TV show The Wire I was drawn to this story of corner boys from West Baltimore that this book told. The scenes were recognizable and familiar but the magnitude seemed some how bigger. The book shows scenes from the two men’s life from eight different years. In the first few chapters they seem to mirror each other, both losing their fathers, both getting into trouble on the streets, and both struggling in school. There is a change where one life keeps getting worse and one changes dramatically but the reasons why are not as clear and easily defined. The main question the Author gets is what exactly was the difference in their lives that lead them down these two different paths and it is not a question easily answered.

I look forward to going to a book discussion here in Portland to talk about the issues brought up by this book and would recommend this book especially to fathers and fans of The Wire. The absent father plays a huge role in both boys lives and that touches on a subject I want to do more to address.

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This is not a man’s world

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Just another clueless dad

It may or may not be clear from the title of this blog but I am a stay at home dad. What that means is that I am the parent at home with the kids during the day keeping them fed and making sure that all of their blood more or less stays inside their little bodies. I think there’s more to it than that but right now those are the bullet points I’m focusing on, and from those metrics I’m pretty good. Being the at home parent means that I am the one that gets involved in the school functions and volunteers for all the little projects and committees that come with school age kids and I am often the only man in the group. My winning personality and passing knowledge of The Bachelor and Jersey Shore go a long way in helping me fit in but lately I have been reminded that this is a woman’s world and they are not ready to give it up.

Now I want you to know this isn’t me making some sexist comment about a woman’s place, I mean I’m a stay at home dad if you will remember. No this is an observation from the last three meetings I’ve been to where the language was all about capable moms and goof ball dads. It started with the monthly parents meeting for Primo’s pre-school. We had a car seat expert come in and tell us what failures we were at installing car seats and 93% of us are doing it wrong. She gave four examples of situations that come up and all of them featured the clueless dad doing it wrong and the mom fixing it. The first one was funny, dad struggling to install the seat and mom swooping in to snap into place. But by the end they got ridiculous: “Dad sees a quarter in the back seat and he has to have it so he unbuckles the seat to get it and doesn’t tell mom when she puts the kids in the car!” I mean a quarter, now a beer I could see but I’m not going to all that trouble for a stinkin quarter. I was laughing out loud at that point and saying “yeah dads are stupid, am I right” but all I got were nods.

Yesterday I went to the big meeting of all the Co-op pre-schools in the North West and it was the same thing. This speaker was talking about positive discipline but referred to all of us as moms. Now I was the only dude in the room but I was sitting right in front of her. She was actually making eye contact with me while asking us “moms” about our discipline. It was like she had a script and was sticking to it what ever the audience. She talked about how great moms are at setting a tone for the discipline in the family and then dad comes in and effs it all up. I bet this was true for a lot of the people in the crowd, in reverse this is true in our house when Beautiful and I aren’t communicating effectively but why all the dad bashing?

I feel like this has been a safe place for the ladies to come and make fun of the men in their lives and that I am some how imposing by being an engaged dad. It is often how I am treated at these events anyway, as the little groups of moms break off to talk about the challenges they are facing with their kids and the cold shoulder I get when I offer up any experience. I know that not all dads would be able to tell you their strategy for dealing with teething babies or how to deal with the kid that won’t share but I got a secret to tell you: most women don’t want them to. They want to be the experts when it comes to all things kids and they will be damned if some man is going to give them advice on keeping their cool when their kid throws a tantrum. Maybe it’s because for too long men have had every thing else in this world that parenting has become this last stand for women. This is the line they have decided to draw and I’m cool with that. I can play the fool and be the odd man out. I will call you out on it though, and when you’re ready to put the stereotypes down and talk parent to parent I would love to swap toddler strategies with you.

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How do you respond when challenged?

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Many of you may know that along with this blog I also post over at Dad Revolution with other dad bloggers looking to change the face of fatherhood. Instead of the absent father or the dad that just shows up we want to encourage dads to engage more. We are trying to show that parenting isn’t just for the ladies. At least that is what we say we are doing anyway. On Sunday night Aaron over at Father Folk wrote an open letter to the dads over at Dad Revolution, a letter to me challenging us to do more. Please take five minutes and go over and read the letter before we continue….

You read it right? Good stuff huh. That letter went up late Sunday night, was taken down and then went back up this morning. You see Aaron took a little heat for posting that, it seems some still don’t get the spirit of the challenge. Aaron is not a fighter on the playground calling us out but rather a friend in the locker room spurring us on. That is how I interpret it anyway, and I think he’s right. Well I think he’s mostly right anyway. I disagree that engaged parenting from fathers is the new just showing up. I think we get clouded by the dads that are blogging about their kids and how they parent. It is a self selecting group but a small percentage of fathers. Most of the dad bloggers are engaged dads, otherwise they wouldn’t even be writing about parenting. They would have blogs on Bass fishing or model train collecting. There is still a large percentage of dads that are not even showing up at all. Those guys don’t even know their kids birthdays let alone blog about twenty toddlers that screamed when the clown came out.

I do agree that good enough is not good enough for me though. If I want to be associated with a revolution then I want to be a revolutionary. Being an engaged at home dad, leading by example is a good start. But I want more than that. I really do want to see the public face of fatherhood changed. I want to see fathers turn into dads in this country. I want to see those millions of kids without dads mentored and loved. I want to see the dads that are still there engage with there kids more, get on the floor and play with them. Get outside and run, or collect leaves, or build a fort, or lay on the grass and watch the clouds with their kids. I want to see a revolution with dads where one day the absent father is as rare as the at home father is today.

Now I don’t know how to do that exactly. I’m still working on translating dreams into action plans but highlighting groups like The Mentoring Project is one way of starting. Connecting with dads locally is another way to start and as more of these actions come up I will continue to write about them. I will also use my every other week post on Dad Revolution to call more to action. But I’m still going to tell the day to day stories of my family and my friends. I want to do the same thing with this blog that I try to do with my kids and that is be the person I want them to grow up to be. If I want them to eat their veggies, then I will. If I want dads to get on the floor, then I will and I will write about it.

Thank you Aaron for calling us to action not calling us out. I for one accept the challenge.

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Here’s what I dug this week

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There were a number of great posts this week that had me sitting and thinking about them for while after I finished. It really is the best part of reading these blogs from other parents just writing about their experience. I have thought a lot about what I want to get out of blogging and what I want to do with this space and reading pieces like the first two below help reinforce that I am not here to pimp products or try to get famous, but instead to share my story and connect with as many others sharing their story as I can. Here’s what I dug this week:

  • On Fathering – From Ben at Buckled Knees writes about comparing himself as a father with his dad. He realized that his upbringing wasn’t the model of parenting it appeared to be. An open and real look at the pressures we face to measure up.
  • Pain Runs Through My Veins – By Adrienne at No Style Points A moving post on pains of having visits with your kids once things start to fall apart. I sat for a while moved by the beautiful writing and heavy with the weight of the subject.
  • How to Build a Fun Cardboard Fort - Over at Thingamababy This is a great how to on making a cardboard for the kids and this is something we will be doing. We have made the blanket forts in the living room but this will be a whole new animal. As soon as the rain starts back here in Portland we will be making on of these bad boys.
  • Arab Dads, There somewhat Like Us – By Matt at Dadwagon Interesting post on talking with a dad while on vacation in Tangier and knocking out some stereotypes.

There is a portion of my list, as always what dit you dig this week?

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Learning to let go and lead

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Beautiful picture by Mark Rohl

It feels daunting sometimes, this parenting thing. Looking at the big picture of raising these kids, helping them become who they are, I feel woefully under qualified. I feel like I am looking out over this vast space at place out on the horizon where we will eventually end up. A place where the boys will be grown, where we will have done what ever it is we did and let them go into their own orbit. I hope that the trajectory that we set them on is the right one but once we let go it is no longer our flight path but theirs. But that letting go isn’t in some indeterminate future. It’s yesterday when I dropped Primo off at Sunday school and no longer was the only one telling him stories. It is tomorrow when Segundo looks both ways and crosses the street to play at the neighbors house. They are small releases in the same orbit. More like spaces walks while still tethered to the ship, but still letting go.

How do you know when to let go and when to pull them closer? Yesterday Primo was riding his balance bike down a steep hill. He was flying almost. Feet out, wind in his face as we watched nervously. We were letting go, letting him experience the danger and the adventure. But he crashed. Too fast, too squirlly. He slid on the pavement leaving road rash on both legs and we ran down to hold him close. Feeling like we were to blame for this, we let go too much. But kids fall and get back up. They gain the experience not just in the safety and praise, but in the adventure and the danger. Still how do you know when to let go and when to pull them closer?

I know I am a good dad. I don’t always know what I am doing, or have the right answers. I lose my patience and sometimes break my promises, but I let my boys know that I love them daily. They see how I love their mother and learn how to treat a woman. When I make a mistake I acknowledge it and have even had to put myself in time out once or twice. I understand that what I am teaching them has very little to do with what I am telling them and more to do with what I am showing them. When I start to feel overwhelmed by the journey of parenthood and the idea of how my kids will turn out I try to remember that very thing. I am modeling that future person today and the lessons I teach them need to first be learned by me.

you can find more photos from mark at his website Indie Image

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Guest Post: Any Male Can be a Father, It Takes a Man to be a Dad

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Todays guest post is brought to you by Tiffany over at Mom-Nom. She is the mother of two and has a great blog for a mommy blogger. You shouldn’t follow her on Twitter but should go to her blog and read her funny posts and sign up for the many amazing give aways she hosts from some crafty folks. I flatly deny any story she may or may not tell about an alleged follower competition but just to be safe don’t follow her, follow me instead. If she has any cool give aways or funny posts I will tell you about them I promise. With out any further ado:


You see, James & I have a unique story. HE was having his own personal Twitter Follower’s contest with ME, WITHOUT TELLING ME ABOUT IT. So, you can imagine my surprise when he actually told me. about a contest. he’d been having for weeks. with me.

And, you can see why I was a little shocked when I ventured over to his blog and discovered how great it is. I mean, who has private competitions with someone that doesn’t even know their competing and still rocks? This dood ==> James. That’s who.

And honestly, here I am rather intimidated. I mean…I’ve never written on a dood’s website before. You guys take it easy on me okay? I’m all girly & fragile & shit.

(For the record, I won the contest.)
________________________

At 20 years old I had the daunting task of finding someone who was willing to be a step-father.  I took me four years.

You see, I wasn’t just looking for an every-other-weekend/three nights a week step-father, but a full-time dad.

I would describe this task as stressful & aging. And…well, mostly aging.

I liked to tell myself I was “hand-picking” someone. You know, to make me feel better about the situation an all. While this situation isn’t quite so unique now-a-days it is still very eye-opening and very stressful for a single mom.

I believe most women marry the man of their dreams – imagining the father he will be. I also believe most of them are living in a fairy-tale land, that doesn’t exist, when they picture life after kids.  In my opinion, if you don’t have kids, the entire thought of having them IS a fairy-tale.

On the otherhand, I had the crystal ball in my hands… I could see into the future, before I married him. I could witness his evolution as he grew more accustomed to having a child around. I could watch as he fell in love & I like to think that I helped shape his evolution as a father.

You know, cause I like taking credit for good stuff.

I even had a list. I’m crazy like that.

He has to be:

  • Christian (preferably Catholic) & dedicated to raising his family in faith
  • Patient, I can’t handle a screamer. Two screamers give babies headaches.
  • Athletic (we like sports, what?)
  • Educated
  • Someone who can cook & clean. Not someone who would raise my son to think of housework as a “woman’s work”
  • But still handy, cause I need someone to fix stuff. Ya know? When I break stuff. From screaming. (Can you say hypocrite?)

But really, all I wanted was a man that could show my son true, unconditional love. I wanted him to witnes a man who loved his family, his children, his wife & his life completely.

Do I feel like I had an edge on other women because of this all-knowing eye? Yes. I do, actually. The first six months – or even the first year – of having a child as a married couple is a strange relationship-altering time. Yes, most couples make it but there are usually some bangs and bruises along the way. For the most part, we got to skip this. You see, I was what I call a “ready-made” family. A package deal. A take it or leave it situation…I could keep going. But, I’ll spare you.

You see, I don’t tell him enough. And, he doesn’t read my guest posts, so he may never know…but he saved us from anymore broken hearts, unreturned phone calls, uncomfortable first dates, lonely nights at home & awkward school gatherings.

I like to think I made the most of my situation. I took what life handed me (lemons, lets say) and I made delicious frozen lemondate margahitas.

Delish.

You dad’s are pretty rad doods. Who come in all shapes, styles and packages. And I, for one, can’t imagine life without you…now.

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The DADvocate Project, get involved

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A couple of weeks ago I did a podcast with Kevin Metzger from the The DADvocate Project that you can listen to here if you have a free hour and a half. Kevin is putting together some information about dads and for dads, asking questions that few are asking. I will let Kevin tell you about more below but I encourage you to participate if you are a dad or to get the dad you know to participate because I think this is an important project.

Guest Post by Kevin Metzger with The DADvocate Project

Hello, I’m Kevin and I’d like to start off this post by thanking for giving me the opportunity to guest post on their site and providing me the opportunity to tell you, the readers about The DADvocate Project.

The DADvocate project is founded on the belief that as culture, business, and society has changed so has the approach men are taking towards Fatherhood and family. I believe there are quite a number of factors that contribute to this change and I wanted to put together a study to find out if my thoughts had any merit. As a result I have put together the largest privately conducted survey of dads ever undertaken. Our goal is to survey 1000 dads and interview 100 of them to get a feel for the modern day dad.

If you are a dad then you’ll want to participate by completing the survey. You may also want to sign up to be interviewed. If you do sign up to be interviewed then you’ll be entered into a drawing for an Apple iPad to be held on August 1st. The survey is 60 questions and takes about 20 minutes to complete but it’s for a good cause. I also want to ensure that I will not be using or selling any personal data. All data will be aggregated and personal details will be removed. If you don’t care to be interviewed you can also take the survey completely anonymously.
The DADvocate project is starting to gain momentum and you will want to be part. Here are some quotes from others who have participated in, and/or support the project.

Drew Bennett (BenSpark)
“Form me there are no TV role models for Dads out there right now. I can’t think of one Dad on TV or in movies that make me proud. Dad’s in the media are portrayed as morons or people who avoid time with their family. However, that is not the kind of Dad I am and also it is not the type of Dad that many of my friends are. The DADvocate project is looking to change that.”

Chris Singer (SAHD in Lansing)
“Kevin is indeed the full embodiment of a DADvocate. Not only does Kevin advocate on behalf of fathers and positive fatherhood, but also advocates strongly on behalf of one of his daughters, Haley, who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Although Kevin is only doing what any terrific DADvocate would do, I have to say I really admire Kevin and his family for the incredible support and advocacy they show for their daughter.”

Julia Roberts – Sheposts.com
“Kevin Metzger wants to answer a simple question: How are dads involved in their kids’ lives verses dads of previous generations?”

Robbin Cobb – High Velocity Radio show
“I really loved hearing about what Kevin’s doing in the DADvocate project.”

Stone Payton – High Velocity Radio Show
“I loved talking about the whole DADvocate thing and in a lot of respects I’m a stay at home dad. Which is one of the reasons I chose an entrepreneurial path.”

Chris Jordan – Comment on a post at MetzgerBusiness.com
“I admire your work with the DADvocate project, and appreciate it more than you know – especially in the role I play here at home with my daughter. There really is an all new generation of dads out here and I’m glad that you’re helping us find our voice. Keep up the great work! If there is anything I can do to help with that project, please don’t hesitate to ask for my help.”

If you’re a dad join us by taking part in the survey. If you’re not a dad share this with all the dad’s you know and encourage them to participate.

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We need a clean up on the table saw, stat

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Should I care that the class is called mommy and me, or the play group is MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)? Should it bother me that there isn’t a changing table in the bathroom of Home Depot or that I get that the “mommy’s got the day off today, huh” comment when ever we go out? I think it should bother me but it doesn’t really. I just can’t get to worked up about it but I feel I should, like it’s my God given right as an American to cry about my own injustices. Maybe  it’s true that stay at home dads are lazy and that’s what keeps me from caring or maybe I just don’t care enough to work up the outrage.

The mommy groups and classes are just smart marketing. They know their target audience and I’m not it. They like having me there, but odds are it is more likely that mommy or nanny is bringing the kids to afternoon swim, or play time at the coffee house.  Just like all those beer commercials that are targeted towards the doofus male that loves beer, babes, and baseball. Sure there might be an intelligent person, or maybe even a woman, that likes that beer but they are playing the numbers, betting the over and titillating their target. The mommy language on all the groups is doing the same and I am cool with that.

The lack of changing tables in the mens rooms is annoying to me but again it doesn’t really last that long. My last trip to the great orange tool warehouse saw me changing a kid on the shiny new table saw on one of the corner end displays. There was a plastic cap on the blade so the kid got to spin the wheel while I wiped his willy. I thought it was pretty thoughtful of them to provide the space for men to change diapers in a manly way and it made up for having to walk back out of the mens room after coming up empty on the changing table quest. Mildly annoyed and a bit defiant but no outrage at the minimization of dads in the child care game.

As for the comments from the ladies named Bev working the register at the super market, i’m used to the “daddy’s got the boys today” or “giving mommy a break.” I know that the majority of the time that comment is spot on, astute commentary on the almost complete reliance on women to raise kids. I don’t even have to make a smart ass comment anymore, now Primo corrects the ladies by telling them that “Daddy has us everyday because he is a stay at home dad and mommy works“. It’s better that he clear it up then for me to make one of those smart ass comments that gets me a talking to that night once Beautiful comes home and hears about out day.

Really it seems a bit trivial for me to get worked up over these things because most of the interactions I have with people that see me with the boys are positive. I would rather give them an example of an involved dad that is the primary caregiver so they have our picture in their head when they think of dads. That won’t stop me from finding creative ways to illuminate some of the annoying parts along the way. People were very impressed by the infomercial Segundo and I gave them on that table saw. “So easy a toddler can use it!”

Part of the Fatherhood Friday group of blogging Fathers and Mothers over at Dad Blogs. Please click on the image to the left to find more great writing from other bloggers trying to make sense of this whole parenting thing

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Dadrevolution: A website for engaged dads

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Today we are starting a revolution. OK that is not really true, the revolution has been going on for some time now, we are really just recognizing and putting a voice to a dad revolution. This revolution is led by dads who are standing up to be more then just the “other” parent. Dads who are taking an active role in the day to day job of raising kids whether they are married, single, working dads, or stay at home dads. Today we are being intentional about not only recognizing those dads but also calling all dads to join with us. Parenting is not just women’s work and it never has been and we at Dadrevolution.com are calling on dads to join the revolution. we are calling on men to step up and take their place at the parenting table. Will you join us? Come to Dadrevolution.com and meet the revolutionaries. Over the next two weeks you will be getting to know each of the guys stories and why they are part of this site. In the next few months you will get a new post each day on a variety of topics from a diverse group of voices spread out across the U.S. and beyond. Starting today April 19 on the anniversary of the battles at Lexington and Concord that opened the American Revolution, fourteen men are trying to start a revolution of their own.

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