Tag Archives: gender roles

The perks of the job are not the job itself

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Starting next week we officially have a kid in public school. Not only that, segundo starts preschool next week as well so two days a week from 9 AM to 11:30 AM I will not be responsible for any kids. That time off will be great but it starts me thinking about my value if I don’t have a kid to look after. I will have plenty to do but now, for this short period of time, it won’t be under the banner of also looking after the boys. I think the real problem I have with this is the expectation that Beautiful will now have for me to get more things done. I can’t say “I just didn’t have any time with the boys today” now that we both know I have at least 5 hours a week. I will have to find a way to work smarter not harder, so I can best utilize the time for myself, while still meeting the expectation of the warden.

I joke about Beautiful and her expectations but really she will admit that she is kind of terrible. She says things to me that no man would ever get away with saying to a stay at home mom. The other day when she came for lunch I was on the computer and she got frustrated, saying that when she sees me on the computer right when she gets home she just assumes thats all I’m doing all day, sitting around ignoring the kids. No this might be true some days but it was not true that day, and the idea that what I am doing in one moment representing my whole day is ludicrous. The idea that a man coming home and seeing his wife sitting on the couch, and then getting frustrated that she just sits on her ass all day starts to boil people’s blood. But this is essentially what my wife does to me every couple of weeks. She does immediately feel bad about it so it’s hard to get too upset.

Even when we have been the one at home and know the frustrations and chaos of the day we still picture hours of free time and a life of ease. Part of that is a short memory and part of that is knowing that its true at times. There are parts of the day when you don’t have anything going on, no toy dispute to mediate or counting game to play. There are times when the boys are playing together or taking a nap and I have hours of free time to do what I want. Well not what I want, I can’t leave and head to the local pub to catch a soccer game being played somewhere around the globe, but I can watch an illegal stream of that game on the couch while catching up on my reader. A good portion of my job is being available and in that availability there is some freedom to explore the space. The problem is those windows open at different times and can never be counted on. It is one of the perks of my job, the way free books while working at Wiley or cruises to Mexico when working at Softshare were perks. The perks are not the job itself so I get frustrated when it’s assumed that I sit around all day.

So I will find productive ways to fill this new found free time, but I will also take advantage of the perks of having two kids in school for a couple hours. I will take the long coffee break after dropping Segundo at preschool and then make sure that I get that compost pile sorted while I have the time. I will not feel bad for taking advantage of the benefits of being a stay at home dad, because I know there is a lot of hard work being done as well.

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When the work day is over, we are all just parents

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When you’re the at home parent it can feel like your day never ends. Since your job is looking after the kids and your workspace is mostly the home you are never too far away from one or the other. Add to that whatever household chores you’re responsible for and there is always work to be done, but unlike the working parent you can’t really leave it at the factory. A cleaned kitchen stays that way for 20 minutes at best at our house, and the cars the boys and I picked up before naps will return when they wake up. Since the job of being a parent has no office hours when you are the at home parent you are always on the clock.

I think the issue families run into when one parent works away from home, and one stays home with the kids, is thinking that the at home parent is always responsible for the parenting. It’s true that from 7:45 AM (when Beautiful heads to work) to 5:30 PM (when she comes home) my job is raising these kids and making sure that most of their blood stays in their bodies. But when she gets home it is no longer my job only, it is now OUR job. We are co-workers at that point, or more simply: parents. This may seem like a no brainer concept, and your family may do a great job at this already but not all of us do.

I know that when Beautiful was home and I was working for a software company I had the thought that the kids and house were her responsibility and making money was mine. I wouldn’t say that out loud but that was the way I felt inside, getting frustrated when asked to do my part with the boys. Beautiful is much better, as the working parent, at understanding this balance. Her expectation is that we work together and communicate to be sure we are a team. I don’t always see that from the working parents I know and I think it is something they need to think about. It’s an easier situation when both parents work since the expectation is that time with the kids is shared.

So how does your family do when both parents are home? Is parenting still the sole responsibility of the at home parent or do you become a team?

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The Gender Imbalance Re-envisioned

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This weekend James and the boys and I drove the hour long trip to James’ parents house so that James could help his mom and dad cater a wedding. James has banquet serving experience from his years in Santa Barbara giving him as many stories about movie stars at events as he does ideas for wine pairings. So his mom’s catering business benefits from his experience. He set up serving tables and ordered the cake lady around and created centerpieces for forgotten tables and arranged the food and joked with the guests and made sure the bride had a linen napkin to wipe her frosting-ed fingers with and in general made everyone believe that he is the most capable person you’ve ever met.

As they were setting up the wedding, the boys and I came over to the reception site and observed. I spread a blanket on the grass under a tree and watched James move around the tables and twinkly lights with purpose and confidence. The fact that James is capable is no news to me. He is infinitely better suited for running our house and raising our kids and makes it look very easy. And I sat on the blanket eating a lunch he had packed for me and the boys to eat, knowing it would be nearing lunch time while we were out. This fact had not crossed my brain until I had two clinging kids mobbing me with requests for food and James whipped out lunch.

The thing that surprised me a little while I sat there was that we are progressive in more ways than just the working mom, stay-at-home-dad genre. In the stereotypical roles, you have the bumbling dad who needs to be told what to do and the uber-capable mom who runs the ship. I don’t think either of us fits that role entirely but truth be told, I’m more like the bumbling dad than I am the uber-mom. I forget to bring diapers and I leave my wallet at home; I am an excellent secondary caregiver.

I think that James and I are good at recognizing ways to help each other and complement each other in really remarkable ways when it comes to raising children. But in much the same way as I’m sure many of you working parents occasionally realize, I realized that I could be doing more. Just because James is capable does not mean I am off the hook. Just because he always has his wallet and the boys’ blankets and knows where the keys are, does not mean I shouldn’t get better at doing those things as well. Because he has to be good at them to cover over my space-cadet-ism. I don’t want that to be all on him. And if we are breaking down stereotypes in our gender roles, it’s not progressive to just trade one role for another. We have to participate in a partnership. Some days I am good at keeping up on my end, others, not so much.

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Not impressed

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Stay at home dads are still enough of a minority going against the conventional role of woman as caregiver that the scaffolding is not yet in place to support them. The language of marketing campaigns, the changing tables in public restrooms and the judgmental looks of kind-hearted grandmothers all continue to paint the picture of mother as nurturing parent and father as competitive provider. Assumptions like these are more than unhelpful for families like ours; the existing network for parenting is overwhelmingly generalized to be unsupportive to the male caregiver. I see this and know that if I were staying home, I would need look no further than the end of the block to find a sympathetic mom with young kids hanging on her legs and graham cracker crumbs squished into her car floor mats. For my husband, this sympathetic community is being found but at much greater effort, much more thoughtful intentionality and greatest of all through the modern marvel that is the internet. He is able to connect with other men in this very forum, through this blog as well as other web based communities participating in a myriad of pod-casts, discussion forums, reviews and radio shows. I admire his resilience and commitment to find like minded men and supportive women who he can gain a sort of momentum with, join a movement and feel supported by the waves of strength in numbers.

It is not easy to be successful and relate to the world when your ability is questioned, your decision misunderstood and the expectation of your gender tied up in role that doesn’t fit you.

It’s interesting to me though how similar this language is to the language of inequality millions of women have used as employers in a workforce designed to support the success of men. Women working today certainly are offered far more support and opportunity than in decades past. But a recent study came out again proving that even when maternity leaves, various types of work more popular by gender and all other conceivable variables were taken into account, women still make on average 70 cents to every dollar their male counterparts make. As a working woman facing the future with hopes for career growth, occupational fulfillment and financial compensation, it’s hard not to worry that I will not be taken seriously or that my skill-set might be overlooked because of my gender. And there is an added dimension for woman who work with young children at home: there is either a sense of guilt at being away for so many hours in a day or judgment that they are somehow less maternal than the staying home mothers, a feeling that is not particularly translatable to the male working parent. So the woman who works is trying to succeed at a job where the network is not designed for her success and simultaneously deal with the parental expectation tied to being female.

That is to say, It is not easy to be successful and relate to the world when your ability is questioned, your decision misunderstood and the expectation of your gender tied up in a role that doesn’t fit you.

So I guess the point is to say that a modern family making decisions based on personality not gender and looking for ways to sustain their family that look very different from their parents’ and grandparents’ way of doing things will face a difficult road. I think we have found this road particularly satisfying to travel. But my point is also that you involved dads and stay at home dads have it much better than you think. You may not have changing tables and commercials designed for your lifestyle, but I won’t be giving to your cause of horrible oppression and inequality any day soon. It is tough to make a decision that looks different to convention. But it is also early on in the movement. Who knows, maybe in ten years millions of men will be staying at home with their kids and the actively nurturing dad will be the stereotype. And maybe by then women will be earning the same salary as a man. But it will have been a lot longer in coming for the working woman.

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Stay at home dad and the question of masculinity

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“What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn’t that what makes a man?”

“Sure, that and a pair of testicles.”

One of the primary questions and criticisms that come up for dads at home with the kids is how a man maintains his masculinity in a role that has been defined for generations by feminine responsibility. These questions take shape in a few different ways: how do you feel your masculinity has been affected by being an at-home dad; do you feel emasculated or depressed that your wife makes more money then you; and how does the response of friends and family who have made different choices affect you? These are great questions and worth exploring for anyone that is thinking about embarking on this adventure of being a stay at home dad. I can’t answer these questions for you but I can tell you how I have come to my answers and what this new role means for me and my family.

First off the question of masculinity being tied to a job outside the house is a big one that I get from men all the time. For so long masculinity has been linked to vocation. My sense of who I am as a man is not tied up in the job that I have or the work I do. Being home raising my boys gives me more fulfillment and sense of accomplishment than I ever had in the software industry or working offshore building oil platforms. If you find your identity tied up in vocation then you are going to have a hard time being at home whether you’re a man or a woman. It takes a certain type of person and a level of sacrifice to be a stay at home parent but those characteristics are not uniquely feminine. The truth is I am as much of a man as I ever was before being at home; vocation and masculinity are not linked in my mind.

Another criticism of dads at home is their inability to provide for their family. I take issue with what it means to provide for your family. This is one area where stay at home moms have been marginalized for so long. Just because you don’t earn a paycheck does not imply that a valuable job is not being done and a contribution isn’t being made to the family. When my wife went back to work and I was no longer the one bringing home the paycheck I thought I would feel somewhat less appreciated but that wasn’t the case. I no longer see these individual roles of what I must do and what my wife must do but instead see the roles that need to be addressed in the context of family. There are decisions that we make based on understanding our natural strengths. I am much more suited to being at home with our boys, raising them, being patient, and not losing who I am in the process. My wife is much more suited to being in the workplace where she can find adult interaction and the challenge of the marketplace. She is also the one to decorate the house while I build fires and man the grill, again based on our natural strengths. Understanding what works for our family was an important step in the process of deciding what our roles within that family context would be. I in no way feel emasculated for being a stay at home dad and I know that my wife sees me as a strong man not just because I can open the pickle jar but because I can soothe a crying baby.

My friends and family have had mixed reactions to me being the stay at home parent but the more they see of our family dynamic the more they understand. People have an idea of what a stay at home dad looks like in their mind and then that image gets readjusted when they have an actual test case to view. My family has been supportive and encouraging. Some friends have had a less than positive take. They have objections based on some of the same masculinity issues as well as religious beliefs that see a man at home as lazy and ungodly. I have tried to confront those objections head on but ultimately I only have control over how I perceive my role as a stay at home dad and not how others do. I can offer our own experience as an example of a stay at home dad who feels fulfilled and still fully masculine but in the end I won’t always bring everyone around to my point of view. How others view our choices as a family hold little weight compared to how we view them.

Making the decision to be a stay at home dad was an easy one for my wife and I to make because we understood that I was better suited to be the one home with the kids. Once we made the decision that it is important to us to have one of us home, the choice in who that would be was a no-brainer. I think there are a number of stay at home dads that have not chosen their role, but had it dumped upon them and in that case it is going to be hard. Just like the stay at home moms that have had no choice but to be home with the kids, the role is going to become limiting and lead to feelings of being trapped. When you get to make the choice there is freedom and a sense of purpose in the role that I have come to love. I am a stay at home dad by choice and I wouldn’t trade this job for anything.

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Going to the bullpen and not losing any speed

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Yesterday Beautiful left work early to come home and be with the boys while I wrestled with body aches and sinus pressure so intense that I though it was going to pop a hole into my forehead. I feel better today, at least functional, so off to work she goes and into the fray I head with the boys. One of the great byproducts of our situation, both of us having been the at home parent, is that we can move seamlessly into those responsibilities without losing a step. I know there are number of fathers out there that have never been at home with the kids that can do that too, and I am not saying in anyway that our situation is better than anyone else’s, just that it’s times like these that makes me thankful for our setup. Our boys will be soothed by either of us when they are hurt or sad, they are going to get the same nutritious meal from daddy or mommy, and the house will be nearly as clean with me there as with Beautiful. OK that last one might be stretching it a bit but you get the idea. I agree with Dispatches From Daddyland when he says “So Mommy can go away.  Mommy can get hurt.  And the world will not end.” The same is true in reverse, if daddy is down the world will not end for us or the boys. That being said things run a lot smoother when we are at our best and able to play our roles.

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She’s a keeper my Beautiful

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Last night for dinner we had a great Smoked Salmon gnocchi with asparagus out on the deck. A nice Rose wine and some fresh bread rounded out a great meal. We were sitting on the benches Beautiful made and eating off the table she made as well. There was an old door behind the house that she built a base for and put the two together for a long deck table. She cut flowers from our front yard and a table cloth that was purchased for my birthday party, then lost, then found days later completed the presentation.

Now we are all about tweaking traditional gender roles in our house what with a stay at home dad and shared cooking responsibilities, but Beautiful seems to be taking it to whole new level. She is both the traditional man and the traditional woman leaving me wondering what she needs me around for.

Before we got married she worried that I would make her wear long flowing dress and bake cookies for the bible studies in our basement but it seems much more likely that I will be clearing out that basement so her table saw and serger will fit with the welding machine and boxes of ribbons. The truth is I love it. I love the creativity that comes spilling out of every nook and cranny of that house. We are just as likely to have a new piece of furniture she made as we are to have a new painting in the guest room she whipped up to tie the room together. The boys have the shirts Beautiful made them as they play with the parking garage she made out of left over wood scraps from the addition she put on the back of the house. (OK maybe she hasn’t done that, yet)

She does so many things better then I do but sadly, in our kids eyes, there is one thing that Daddy does better and it’s a big one. When it comes to Saturday morning pancakes there is no competition. I have a gift for slap jacks as my little brother still calls them, and try as she might she can’t get rid of me just yet. She wants those pancakes, she needs those pancakes. I’m safe…….for now.

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