On the eve of the end of the our vacation I feel like I’m staring at a merry-go-round that’s spinning a little more quickly than I’m comfortable with and I have to jump back into the swirling vortex. It isn’t like the time off of our regular routine was restful or stress free, quite the contrary. But some how diving back into the work, school, community schedule feels daunting. I feel like some of the balls I was trying to keep in the air are no longer spinning, wait those are the plates aren’t they. The balls have rolled down the hill and into the creek that I am now up. See I can’t even get my metaphors straight enough to make sense of these feelings, how am I going to get this schedule back on track.
I think the boys feel the same way they just don’t know it yet. While I’m easing my hand into the spinning bars of the merry-go-round they are still happily playing with the slides. Soon we will fling ourselves into the mix and hold on for dear life. The transition will be rough but it’s a short week. The weekend will be here again and we can get the timing down, learning from our jarring plunge back into the great spin. Routine will be good for all of us, once we find it again, it’s just the finding that I am worrying about this eve.
We are three weeks into the school year and our schedule is beginning to flesh out. Breakfast and lunch packing duties alternate morning to morning and Beautiful brings the boys to school in the morning while I get started with work. The house is quiet until I pick the boys up after school and they stretch back out, filling the space they had abandoned earlier. There are soccer practices, school meetings, community task forces, and church events all with different color boxes in our online calendar. A glance at the week shows a colorful array of scheduled time, with plenty of free range white space for each of us to explore. A busy and chaotic summer has turned into a scheduled and orderly Fall. We are intentional about being read to and reading to the boys. We make time for homework and board games and discovering who can do the goofiest dance. Fall has more structure than Summer, more colors on the calendar but a slower pace that has time for all four of us in the bed on cooler mornings. It’s a big part of why I love the fall, the rhythm syncs with my own.
Yes I am as tired as I look
Since coming back from the trip to Iowa without the boys Beautiful has worked everyday. While it was nice to get away and have that break it seems like I am right back where I was the days leading up to the trip. I love my boys and enjoy spending time with them but there is almost never a moment when I am not responsible for their safety and well being. What happens as I get worn down is I spend less time doing activities with the boys and they start to fight more and more. That compounds the frustration as I try to wade into the conflict of MINE! Segundo wants to play with Primo and Primo wants to make Segundo scream. They both end up driving me crazy and the timeouts come fast and furious. I know the schedule is not changing anytime soon so there needs to be changes made in the small ways. Changes like getting out of the house more (sometimes difficult when it is cold and raining and Beautiful has the car), planning activities like art projects and building forts, and me getting more exercise so that I have more energy for the boys. The little changes are going to have to be what gets me through this time so that I don’t get burnt out. I know that the schedule is even tougher on Beautiful and that no small change is going to get her through this time. It is getting to the point where a big change is called needed, we just don’t know what that is yet.
Lately Beautiful has been none to pleased with the amount of time I have been online with this blog, Dadrevolution, the coming Band of SAHD podcast, and various other projects in the making. I have had to come up with more of schedule so that she knows when I am working on things, and so I can leave what can wait for later and be more fully engaged in the moment. Seems like a recurring theme for me, maybe there is a lesson I think I’m learning but I’m really not. Well anyway for all of the webs time sucking negatives there is something great that happens on your birthday, and that is well wishes from large section of people that would not normally remember of even care about such things. With Facebook reminding you about your connections birthdays and Twitter posts flying around you get that reminder to drop that one guy from Biology that hung with that one girl you rode the bus with a Happy Birthday. I really dig that part and waking up this morning to see the Happy Birthdays from a friend of my cousin, a guy I played basketball with in Junior High, my wife’s best friend growing up, and so many more tenuous but strong connections. I know we have lost the art of the letter, or now even the phone call but I am going to get the call from the people that are close, and even the card and letter from some, but now I also get the quick note from the guy who cleaned the church we first went to in Santa Barbara. So Thank you Web 2.0 for making me feel even more loved then is really true. I will take it.