Tag Archives: stay at home dad

Less Testosterone, more manly

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Stay at home dads are already behind the eight ball with some folks who think they are less manly then working dads, but now there is research that shows this is actually true. Well less manly is a bit of a meaningless, undefinable statement but it turns out that once men become fathers there is a drop in testosterone that comes with the little bundle of joy. The drop is more pronounced in men that are the primary caregivers, in other words Stay at home dads. In a New York Times article on this study Peter Ellison, a professor of human evolutionary biology at Harvard who was not involved in the study hoped that this type of research would help fathers “realize that we’re meant to be active fathers and participate in the care of our offspring.” The lose of testosterone has a negative connotation in our society because it is thought of as making us wimpy or less desirable in some way but in truth it helps men become more in tune with the needs of their children. The study suggests that men become more committed to their families through hormonal changes and that those changes underscore that mothers are meant to have child care help.

So while this study looks like another blow to the manliness of at home dads, there is really another story to be told. One that most families with a stay at home dad already know, and that is that women aren’t the only ones that biologically adapt to take care of children. Children change our lives, our decision making, and our worries but also change us at a cellular level making us better care givers. What attractiveness is lost with the lowering of testosterone is more than made up for in watching us play and take care of the kids. There is nothing sexier than a man that can change a diaper, make a toddler lunch, and play silly games with his kids.

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The perks of the job are not the job itself

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Starting next week we officially have a kid in public school. Not only that, segundo starts preschool next week as well so two days a week from 9 AM to 11:30 AM I will not be responsible for any kids. That time off will be great but it starts me thinking about my value if I don’t have a kid to look after. I will have plenty to do but now, for this short period of time, it won’t be under the banner of also looking after the boys. I think the real problem I have with this is the expectation that Beautiful will now have for me to get more things done. I can’t say “I just didn’t have any time with the boys today” now that we both know I have at least 5 hours a week. I will have to find a way to work smarter not harder, so I can best utilize the time for myself, while still meeting the expectation of the warden.

I joke about Beautiful and her expectations but really she will admit that she is kind of terrible. She says things to me that no man would ever get away with saying to a stay at home mom. The other day when she came for lunch I was on the computer and she got frustrated, saying that when she sees me on the computer right when she gets home she just assumes thats all I’m doing all day, sitting around ignoring the kids. No this might be true some days but it was not true that day, and the idea that what I am doing in one moment representing my whole day is ludicrous. The idea that a man coming home and seeing his wife sitting on the couch, and then getting frustrated that she just sits on her ass all day starts to boil people’s blood. But this is essentially what my wife does to me every couple of weeks. She does immediately feel bad about it so it’s hard to get too upset.

Even when we have been the one at home and know the frustrations and chaos of the day we still picture hours of free time and a life of ease. Part of that is a short memory and part of that is knowing that its true at times. There are parts of the day when you don’t have anything going on, no toy dispute to mediate or counting game to play. There are times when the boys are playing together or taking a nap and I have hours of free time to do what I want. Well not what I want, I can’t leave and head to the local pub to catch a soccer game being played somewhere around the globe, but I can watch an illegal stream of that game on the couch while catching up on my reader. A good portion of my job is being available and in that availability there is some freedom to explore the space. The problem is those windows open at different times and can never be counted on. It is one of the perks of my job, the way free books while working at Wiley or cruises to Mexico when working at Softshare were perks. The perks are not the job itself so I get frustrated when it’s assumed that I sit around all day.

So I will find productive ways to fill this new found free time, but I will also take advantage of the perks of having two kids in school for a couple hours. I will take the long coffee break after dropping Segundo at preschool and then make sure that I get that compost pile sorted while I have the time. I will not feel bad for taking advantage of the benefits of being a stay at home dad, because I know there is a lot of hard work being done as well.

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First planting of the year

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As a novice gardener, and by novice I mean I have yet to successfully start or keep anything growing for any length of time, my excitement is tempered but still high. A couple of weeks ago we started some seeds inside as the never ending cold grey sky, and rains beat down on us. During that time I built a couple of raised beds in the back yard, added a mixture of reclaimed dirt from a neighbor’s patio project and our growing compost pile from behind the house. The beds look dark and rich and the worms are plentiful. Even with my limited knowledge of the whole process I think we are off to a good start. Enthusiasm is high, and willingness to learn will help us build on this start. I have been keeping a journal of what we have purchased and what we have done so I can see what we learn and if we saved anything with the garden. While saving is a big part of the garden, the whole process is bigger than just money. Growing our own food, working with the boys to accomplish building the beds and tending the garden, learning how food grows and having a tangible connection to what we eat play an even bigger part.

So today Segundo and I made little holes and planted the starts in the beds. We watered the fledgeling veggies and hoped for the best. We have Snap Peas, Beets, Carrots, Chard, Squash, Cucumber, Tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, and Zucchini going in the first bed and we will start the second bed a little later to stagger the harvest. I’m excited to see how the garden grows and to share in the tending with the boys through out the summer. There are lessons there worth learning for all of us, and I think we are all looking forward to learning them.

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When the work day is over, we are all just parents

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When you’re the at home parent it can feel like your day never ends. Since your job is looking after the kids and your workspace is mostly the home you are never too far away from one or the other. Add to that whatever household chores you’re responsible for and there is always work to be done, but unlike the working parent you can’t really leave it at the factory. A cleaned kitchen stays that way for 20 minutes at best at our house, and the cars the boys and I picked up before naps will return when they wake up. Since the job of being a parent has no office hours when you are the at home parent you are always on the clock.

I think the issue families run into when one parent works away from home, and one stays home with the kids, is thinking that the at home parent is always responsible for the parenting. It’s true that from 7:45 AM (when Beautiful heads to work) to 5:30 PM (when she comes home) my job is raising these kids and making sure that most of their blood stays in their bodies. But when she gets home it is no longer my job only, it is now OUR job. We are co-workers at that point, or more simply: parents. This may seem like a no brainer concept, and your family may do a great job at this already but not all of us do.

I know that when Beautiful was home and I was working for a software company I had the thought that the kids and house were her responsibility and making money was mine. I wouldn’t say that out loud but that was the way I felt inside, getting frustrated when asked to do my part with the boys. Beautiful is much better, as the working parent, at understanding this balance. Her expectation is that we work together and communicate to be sure we are a team. I don’t always see that from the working parents I know and I think it is something they need to think about. It’s an easier situation when both parents work since the expectation is that time with the kids is shared.

So how does your family do when both parents are home? Is parenting still the sole responsibility of the at home parent or do you become a team?

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Digging a little deeper into a good book

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We picked up the book “Slow Down for Manatees” at our latest trip to the library. It was a random grab just before we got in line to check out but the book has had a big effect on Primo. The book tells the story of a Manatee getting run over by a speeding boat, leaving broken ribs and cuts on her back from the propeller. The Manatee is taken in by the sea center and is brought back to health and gives birth. When we read the book through the first time Primo kept bring us back to get a fuller picture of the story: “Why is the Manatee so big?” “Why doesn’t the boat see her?” “How did she get cut?” “What happend to her tail?” As we would talk through the scenes Primo became more and more concerned. It was bed time so he put his books away and got in bed but asked a few more questions before hugging and kissing me good night.

The next day him and I had some quiet reading time, me with my book and him with his. He grabbed “Slow Down for Manatees” and sat next to me. His face was sad as he looked at me and asked why people ran over the Manatee. He was almost in tears so I put my book down pulled him up on my lap so we could talk through the book a little more. We grabbed the computer and looked up videos of boat propellers getting a good idea of how they worked. We looked at maps of the canals in Florida where the Manatee’s live. Then we looked at pictures of Manatees in the water and some with scars. We talked about what people could do to be more careful not to run over the Manatees and after all that he felt better. We got out the markers and big piece of paper and made a sign for people to slow down for the Manatees.

A good book will get you to think a bit more and stay with you. In that respect this was one of the first good books Primo has read. I know there will be more books that move him to action and that cause him some sleepless nights as he thinks through them. That is the power of books.

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It was needed, if not enjoyed

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When we start out the front door I know what kind of situation I’m dealing with but I also know they need the walk. It is cold outside but we are all bundled up nicely with toques and gloves to go with our winter jackets. We have been getting outside and playing everyday but usually around the house and in the big dirt pile in the back yard and I know that the boys need to open it up a bit, stretch their legs. I also know that neither is feeling a hundred percent and and their diva gun is already cocked with a hairpin trigger.

I try to keep the boys close as we start to explore the neighborhood but the trains are near and need a closer look. Once we get to the trains the park is in view but a little further off and the playground is at the far end of park with two softball fields to navigate. If I tell them we can’t go to the park we have the melt down now, if we go to the park the melt down starts when it’s time to leave and the walk home is too long. We go to the park, choosing the moment over the future. Along the way we found shapes and numbers. We picked up sticks and threw rocks in puddles and generally had a good time meandering to the jungle gym. The melt down started early as the boys fought over the teeter totter and who got the red swing. They fought over every apparatus there and I was ready to head home.

There was crying and whining and demands to be carried, and the boys were being difficult too. We made a game to find colors or trees, whatever the next milestone was ahead of us to keep the boys moving forward. They calmed down and for a while we walked at a snails pace, one little hand in each of mine, while the rest of the street zoomed by. Back past the trains, through puddles, and up the street to our house. It was a good walk, a needed excursion for all of us. The boys are down for naps early, worn out from crying and being sick and I hope they sleep well.

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All he needs is a nice place to lay his head

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Segundo seems to have a pretty good handle on how much sleep he needs and when it’s time for him to go down he’s not going to push it past his limit. This weekend I was watching College basketball in the boys room, cause that’s where our tiny TV with the rabbit ears is located, with Primo sitting next to me looking at a book. Segundo told me he was tired and I said nap time was in about 20 minutes, there was 8 minutes left in the game but since it was close I knew there would be a timeout or two. I didn’t hear from Segundo again and when the game was over I went looking and found him in the living room, on the steamer trunk that passes as our coffee table, asleep. He was tired and since I wasn’t leaving his room in a timely manner he decided that was as good a spot as any to sleep, and sleep he did for three hours. I put Primo down for his nap in our room and watched a second game, then did the dishes and cleaned up the house while Segundo slept away on the trunk. I’m sure this is somehow proof that I am a terrible parent but I see it more as proof that he is a great kid. He’s not gonna sit there and whine about being tired and throw a fit, no he’s gonna grab his blanket and plug and find himself a nice place to take a nap. Seems like good practice for college to me.

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Guest Post: Winter Gardening

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By: Ben Lindwall

Here in Minnesota, during the winter, there is only one way for a stay-at-home-dad to keep his sanity: grow something.

I’ve been gardening for a little over 5 years but have just recently come to realize the offseason benefits of growing food in the winter. As we speak, I’ve got some young spinach, arugula, lettuce, and chard sprouting up underneath my plastic row covers in the backyard (and today’s high in Minneapolis is sixteen degrees Fahrenheit)!

I planted at the end of October, so come the end of March I will have bagfuls of greens to feed my family. If you tend to eat one 12 oz bag of greens in a week, this will save you between $15-$20 a month– even more if you like cooking with greens, in which case you can double or triple your savings at the market.

More importantly, many of us are completely disconnected from knowing who is growing, harvesting, and transporting our food. As a result, many of us eat food that is grown from depleted and over-fertilized soil, lathered in pesticides, picked by exploited workers, and then driven across the country, if not further. This is absolutely unacceptable.

I grow and harvest my greens and my daughter carries them into the house (in return, I let her eat for free). And speaking of kids, have you ever heard a toddler ask for spinach? Well try growing it yourself. While I water the garden, my daughter will ask for leaf after gorgeous green leaf!

Do I really think that gardening is going to make any difference? Totally. As I till my soil, pull weeds, and taste my own produce, I become much more conscious and connected to the process of growing food. It doesn’t just magically appear. There is actual work involved. I try to take this new consciousness with me to the market. It affects which products I buy and makes me think twice before supporting massive agribusinesses with my grocery budget. I love how Kelly Coyne and Erik Knutzen put it in their book The Urban Homestead: “Growing your own food is an act of resistance. We can all join [] in dismantling the corporations that are feeding us shit.”

Start with spinach. It’s easy to grow and is packed with nutrition. Plant the seed ¼ of an inch below the soil and keep it moist until it sprouts. Pay attention to what else might begin to sprout. Let your curiosity lead you. Its amazing how one new beginning can lead to another, as well as lots of learning along the way.

I planted my first seed before I had kids and for purely selfish reasons. Today I garden for peace of mind, family nutrition, and even justice. For me, this is especially important in the middle of Minnesota, in the middle of December.

Ben lives in Minneapolis MN, with his wife and two kids and is a stay at home dad and life long Twins fans. That means he has to suffer through great seasons only to lose to the Yankees in the playoffs every year. Along with gardening Ben brews beer, listens to great music, and has an advanced degree in whittling.

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Sometimes the answer is no

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After a gusty storm blew threw the neighborhood the bamboo fence peeled away from the house next door revealing a ridable fire truck. When we headed out of the house to go to school the boys both saw the toy and ran to the fence asking if they could ride on it before school. Our next door neighbors are friendly enough when we see them outside but their kids are never out side and have yet to play with our boys. They hurry them inside when they come back from school so it doesn’t look promising that the boys will be responding to any fires. I asked anyway, knowing that they were unlikely to let us play with it, and they said it was broken. We have a broken Gator that I push the boys in so that doesn’t deter them in the slightest.

Lately I have been trying to watch my “No’s” with the boys. What I mean is I have been trying to evaluate why I am saying no to something and trying to find a way to say yes more often. There are times when the answer is no and Primo now even says to Segundo “Sometimes the answer is no Segundo, and that’s OK.” That is something I say a lot to the kids, but in evaluating why I have found that most of the time it has more to do with my own comfort or mood and less to do with safety or some grand teachable moment. I think I have the mistaken idea that I am spoiling the boys or contributing to a overly permissive society but really I say No more than is necessary for selfish reasons.

Unfortunately no matter how much I try not to say No to the firetruck I have no choice. It is not our toy and sometimes the answer is no and that is OK too.

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